This is how I bribed a government official, a first for me, and the subsequent developments.
I had to have a piece of paper stamped by the UP Government Octroi Department. The man transporting the computers had to pay the duty, have it stamped, and return it to the Delhi head office. He didn't do it and believed he was doing the firm a great favour saving some money. We required proof of transit, and that the octroi was paid as we got a complete refund from the authorities.
To close this chapter, I traveled to Ghaziabad. Soon I meet the clerk in charge. You know how these Govt peep are. They act retarded to all the questions as though they don't understand anything. That is till the palms are greased. Then they become more intelligent than 5 PhDs put together.
Same here.
The peon stepped in to save the day. This was when we were having a cuppa chai under the tree. He claimed that for a drink, this buzzard will do your work. I asked him to make the arrangements. Oh sure. So I stayed back in Ghaziabad. As planned, the clerk and the peon arrived. The peon leaves after taking his quarter.
The clerk is not happy with the platter I present. He says, where is Kaju? Sir, I can’t drink without Kaju.
The bugger. Kaju is costlier than the drinks. However, I hurried outside to fetch him his Kaju.
Come tomorrow sir, I will sign.
The next day I went only to find him missing. On leave. The good peon informs. He is sick, saar. Oh sh*t.
Well, he was sick for the next two weeks. The Kaju and drinks didn't mix well and he had tummy trouble. I returned two weeks later. Now it's my turn to act dumb.
No sir it can’t be. Even I ate and drank na. I didn't have any trouble.
Any hoo, he did sign the documents I needed. But sure will never ask for kaju ever.
#firstbribe
Then I asked Chatgpt to refine it and this is what I got.
My First Bribe: A Tale of Stamps, Snacks, and Sick Leave
I found myself navigating the labyrinth of the Uttar Pradesh Government Octroi Department, chasing a govt. seal that was vital for our company’s refund process. The computers we transported required proof of octroi payment, but the person responsible had skipped this step, thinking he was doing the firm a favor.
So, to fix the mess, I traveled to Ghaziabad, determined to close the chapter. Soon, I was face-to-face with the clerk in charge—a classic government employee archetype. He pretended not to understand anything I said, like a script straight out of a tragicomedy. But there’s always a workaround, as they say, and in this case, it was palm grease.
Enter the peon. Over a cup of chai under a shady tree, he confided that the clerk could be "persuaded" if a drink was involved. Fine, I thought, and left the arrangements to him. That evening, the clerk and the peon arrived. After pocketing his quarter, the peon left, and the clerk got to business. Or so I thought.
The clerk examined the offering and frowned.
"Where is kaju? Sir, I can’t drink without kaju."
Kaju? The audacity! But with no other choice, I dashed out and bought him the expensive nuts. With his demands met, I was assured, "Come tomorrow, sir. I will sign."
The next day, I returned, ready to collect my stamped papers. But, surprise—he was on leave. "He’s sick, saar," the peon informed me. Sick? From what?
Turned out the kaju and drinks hadn’t sat well with him. For two weeks, the clerk was “recovering.” When I finally returned, he was back at his desk. This time, I decided to play the clueless one.
"No, sir, it can’t be the kaju! I ate and drank too, and I’m perfectly fine!"
He wasn’t amused, but he signed the documents at last. As I walked away with the papers in hand, one thing was certain—this man wasn’t asking for kaju again anytime soon.
#FirstBribe
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