Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, May 2, 2024

HOW TO DEAL WITH WOMEN - Indian Style | hguy.blogspot.com

Let's move, she insisted


This guy got married, and before he could blink, his new wife started... you know what... we should have our own life .... we should live alone ...


Women don't give up, na. They nag and nag till they get their way. 


So our guy took a house at RT Nagar, furnished it, and moved in with his wife. And before he could blink again, his father-in-law came from Hyderabad and like settled down. He stayed for two weeks and went back, only to return within a week. This FIL is a nosy fella and the girl behaves quite different when he is around.


So for this, he had to spend so much money.


One day, he came home late and drunk.


First things first, sex.


After that, he took his belt and gave his wife dhoom dham without explaining. She howled so loud that the whole of RT Nagar must have heard her.


And then he went to sleep beside her.


The next morning, the father-in-law, duly packed, informs he is going back to Hyderabad.


So soon, aaa, says the SIl, Stay na a few more days, and I will show u the whole of Bangalore.


I have seen enough, and have to go now.


Well.. that was that...


Since then the two have been happily married, now with two sons.


As they say, all is fair in love and war.

#truestories

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

THE MOST POINTLESS COMPANY IN THE WORLD | hguy.blogspot.com



When I was new to Bangalore, I stayed in a building filled with medical reps. I got to know this line of work up close and have since developed a fascination for it. I may one day write a story where the MC is a medical rep. 


Not just medicine; there was one working for a surgical instrument company and one who displayed OTC products roadside.



There was this one chap, a lazy fellow, a B.Pharm. graduate. Wanting to go into production or research. Anyways, he tried and tried without success and finally decided to become a medical rep.


And bingo, got a job the next day. 


At Himalaya.


I was jobless those days and took him on my Suzuki Max to the interview. Mygo, the place was like a foreign country. 


Well, this was a different company. A truck arrived and delivered a truck full of samples for him. The next day, another truck arrived and delivered a truck full of goodies to be given to doctors. Every room, including mine, had one or two cartons of these things. It was so much.


Now about his salary. It was 25k. Those days, 10 was the highest. Not just that, he got another 25k expense.


But there was a catch. 


He had to give all the samples plus half his expense account to his manager, and he then could sit at home all month making just those face-showing calls to doctors.


Its later learned that the manager shipped a lot of medicine and all the samples to Delhi, where the person sold it at a discounted price online. I seriously doubt that, for all we know it just dumped free on people under some govt. scheme.


This cycle worked smoothly till my good neighbour put a spanner in the works. He stopped giving the money to his manager. And was soon jobless.


He tried 10k, 9k, 6k jobs and then gave up and went back to his village.


Himalaya was always a useless firm - Liv-52 not withstanding. Give them a problem and lo they pull out a drug from their chaddi. They came up with mentat for mental patients, 200 drugs for women - ur guess is as good as mine. Skin, they are pundits. Oral, dont even ask.


Anyways, happy shopping.



#scam #himalayawellness #useless #meaningless #wasteofmoney


Wednesday, August 16, 2023

THIS LITTLE NEIGHBOR GIRL | hguy.blogspot.com



There was this little girl in my neighborhood. She was in class two and chatty. Till class five she would come and give me the village report. Then she suddenly stopped talking to me. You know when girls start wearing their school skirts till their ankles, they are told to stop talking to boys.

 

 

 

Well, I did see her for the next two-three years and then she vanished. Her parents are still here. I thought, cha, she is not yet in 10th and they got her married.

 

 

 

She returned five years later. With Hubby and two kids in tow. A boy and a girl. The small boy was round, I mean totally round and ran around naked on the road calling after his big sister.

 

 

What happened was this. It was not her parents, but she ran away and got married. She married a gym employee when she was in class 8.

 

 

And now she has returned.

 

 

As it turned out the hubby was not some local dada but a qualified yoga instructor. Now working in a nearby school. The whole two years of the pandemic he drew a salary while the rest of us silently suffered.

 

 

The daughter is now a good friend of mine and brings me all the local gossip. But it will stop when she reaches class five na.

 

Sunday, October 30, 2022

THE PIGEON STORY | hguy.blogspot.com

One day I was sitting peacefully doing nothing. You know me na. It is then I hear my neighbour shoo shoo-ing.


Who was she shooting? I thought and quickly opened my door.


Now pay attention.


She was shoo shooing a pigeon that perched itself on our eye-level windowsill. 

I was taking in the sight and failed to notice a cat sitting quietly right next to us taking in the sights too.

After realizing that her shoo shoo was not driving away the brave pigeon, I stepped in.

I shooed twice. Once small then other big. 


The bird decided it was time to leave but to my surprise and went over the edge.


To my surprise, instead of flying away, it fell. Just then the cat leaped and caught the bird midair.


The bird started flapping its wings and was now two times the size of the cat. In a flash, the cat and bird vanished leaving me and said neighbour blank staring at each other.



What had just happened?


Did we cause the death of a bird?


Well, I was sad and went back and continued binge-watching 'Two and Half Men. 


Hee hee. Those guys are so funny na




Sunday, August 14, 2022

WHEN I DIE | hguy.blogspot.com

When I die
I want a toast
Ok it can be a roast
Not the next fortnight
but that very day.


Tell tales of me
imaginary or otherwise
Let the world know
I was there.



The luckiest guy who ever lived
with the prettiest wife ever
and two lovely kids.


Drink beer or
is that rum
eat things poked with sticks
and say nice things about me.


Say I helped everyone
even if it was not so
Say I was a giver
when it was not so.


Or say he was human
made mistakes like you or me.


And dont worry
I will report from there
and tell you about the situation.


and after the fun
send the bill to
Xavi
and if he refuses
send it to
Ravi.


I will enjoy this.


 

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Two Frogs | hguy.blogspot.com

This one was a story well told. By the original writer. I only hope I can recreate the magic of my childhood here

 

This story was about two frogs. Once a city dweller, the other a villager. They were cousins hence the phrase 'country cousins. Once both meet - halfway between the city and village. They greet and chat and soon they start boasting about their place of residence.

 

The villager says the village life is the best while the city fellow boasts about his. To decide once and for all which is better, they decide to climb on each other's backs and see where the other person stays.

 

two frogs
City frog and village frog

This is the best i could draw. I know it looks like they are having sex but believe me, they aren't. Now folks you must do some visualising. City frog upon the village frog, who is facing the village. But as frogs see back, the city frog sees the city while on the village frog. And vice versa.

 

So in the end they have not seen anything new but their area and conclude both are great.

 

It made me wonder coz back then I didn't know the diff between a village and a city.

 

Anyway, it was stimulating.


Monday, May 2, 2022

THIS IS HOW WE COUNT | hguy.blogspot.com

Another childhood story is about a group of - lets just say - simpletons. 8 of them to be exact, on a trip. Now they have to cross a river.


Once they reach the other side, they want to check and see if all of them reached the other end safely. They count and find one missing. Another checks and finds one missing. Actually they are counting others and not themselves hence the discrepancy.


There is this passer-by who notices this comedy and intervenes. He nicely taps each one with his knuckles and counts .. and all is fine now.



This act of taping knuckle made us kids quite excited and I, for one, practiced it on my friends for next few days.




Thursday, April 21, 2022

I WANT TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL... | hguy.blogspot.com

This little girl was getting late for school. Just when she was leaving home her mom cried out, 'Put some powder on your face or you wont look beautiful'.


Powdered face the girl left for school only to return a few minutes later crying away to glory.

'Kya hua', mom asked.

'I fell down and got hurt', said the little girl pointing to her knee.

'Lets me put some medicine', said the mom.

'No no, first put powder on my face or I wont look beautiful', said the girl.

So as it happened, first powder was applied to her face and only then ointment on her knee and then to school.


Monday, April 18, 2022

KIDDY STORIES | hguy.blogspot.com

I don't know how but I remember my kiddy class English stories as though it happened yesterday. This one must be as old as class I.



There is this simpleton in the village who takes his sick granny to a doctor. 

A week later they go back to doc - no relief to granny. 


Third week same story. Then the doc asks are you following all the instructions.


Simpleton says yes, doc. Its written shake well before use. 


and I shake my granny well before giving her her medicine - 3 times a day.

Friday, April 15, 2022

GANDI BAAT | hguy.blogspot.com

 






I was a mere kid. Mom Dad both worked. I was left behind with this servant at Naubat Pahad who stayed nearby in that slum. She must have taken me around or peeps from her place came over. Don't know but I soon learnt bad words.




Maa ka taliya
and 
Bad Cow






I would sit on the compound wall and call passers-bys thus. Some even complained home.


Thursday, March 31, 2022

WHY I HATE 'FRIENDS | hguy.blogspot.com

Friends



I saw Friends recently. From start to finish. Well, it did take weeks, but I did it.

For the uninitiated, Friends was a TV phenom. It conquered hearts during the last bit of the last century and the first bit of the new century.


Somehow, I feel it has not aged well. That kind of co-dependency is sick sick. And that’s why they always had to pair up with each other, not once but many times over. If this was called LOVERS instead of Friends, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. 


Discussing and dissecting every little minutia of ones life including potty with the other and taking feedback and acting on it was as though they were the world’s no. 1 duffers selected and brought together in a reality show.


But lets start at the very beginning.


The first four seasons are great. And then begins the fall down down a slippery slope. The jokes were repeating and the new ones were plain bad. Season six is where the rot started getting really smelly.


Remember Ross's musical talent. It was the funniest thing I ever saw on TV. They went and repeated it, with bagpipes. Plus, you can now see the actors just mouthing the dialogs. They seem to have lost all interest in the proceedings and were dead behind the eye. All except Joey. But he is an idiot.


One more glaring omission is that it has No black or Indian actors. Not one. major or minor. All it has in the name of Diversity is Gunther. Representing the yellow-haired people.



I began skipping scenes and jump with joy when I heard anyone apart from the 6 speak.




Do you remember how sweet Ben's birth scene was? Heartwarming funny. Well, take that, change it to irritating and multiply by 100, that's what you get for Ross's second child. Don't forget to add 4 hr of dragging it. 


The only thing worth mentioning in the last 3 seasons, kinda MasterCard priceless moment, is the smile Gunther gives when Ross punches a pole. 


The last three seasons were unbearable, but I proceeded as a dare, and every time I began watching I felt like gouging out my eyes. More than just plain irritating it feels that the writers were deliberately making it bad to see what the studio does.



You really begin appreciating the entry of Janice and just hope others go away and Janice stays. The show runners pairing Janice with Ross shows what kind of creative bankruptcy they fell into.


I asked myself. who is most irritating? Well, the answer is all of them except Rachel. Despite dealing with the worst of writing towards the end, she has a quiet grace and came out well on screen.  But given the fact that every ones post-Friend's career was a big zero, I'd say they were just a bunch of young confident white people passing themselves off as actors.



And then I realize there is one more season the 10th season of this unbearable thing and told myself no I can't. I somehow thought that this series had only 9 seasons. God.


Having said that. This was a big big hit. It has a massive old following and new ones continue joining in droves. This is one tv show that somewhere someone will be watching for all eternity.  So, if you come across this piece and don’t agree with me, so be it.

And, yes, they were on a break.






Monday, March 14, 2022

MEETING MY UNDERWORLD CONTACT | hguy.blogspot.com

My in-progress novel has a major underworld component. Now, the story is coming out great. In my head. You will see in due course. But I suddenly felt something missing. I needed some real life input. And as you all know I don’t have any real underworld experience.


So I decided to get one. No no. Only interview a member. So I spread the word. And sure as hell, I soon got to meet one.




This person was 60ish. From Mangalore. About twenty years ago, he was shot in the head and survived. But they couldn’t remove the bullet so they left it in. Doctors gave him 6 months to live but. He is alive even today.


So I met him. I expected it to be in the nearby bar. But na. He wanted a meet at the nearby temple. Oh.

So I met him. He was not what I expected. A baba type. True, all babas are criminals but still. Then we sat under a tree and he started. Told one story. Pause. Then repeated the story. Pause. The told the same story again. Pause.

Its then I realised that the poor fellow has lost his memory. He remembers only that one story.

But that’s not the point.

If anyone of you have any underworld contacts – or even a chota-mota thug- please pass that contact to me. In exchange for an evening at a bar or tiffin center. Or a temple.


#seriousresearch






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